By Jewels Devine
Oh, my darlings, I cannot wait to share with you a recent topic of discussion at an annual New Year’s Day brunch. You see, every year my girlfriends and I get together on New Year’s Day to analyze the year that just ended and plan the year ahead. It is during this time that almost anything can be discussed… and usually is!
One of my dear friends, Tiffany, was sharing her desire for a romantic Valentine’s Day. The kicker was that she was hoping her husband of 10 years would do all of the planning. Not wanting to be the one to burst Tiff’s bubble, I didn’t remind her of darling Harvey’s failures in past years. However, I will share them with you!
During their first year of wedded bliss, Harvey presented Tiffany with a cookbook. I must admit that the dear probably needed it―and still does. Even so, that year, after drying Tiffany’s tears, I had to agree that a cookbook was a bummer of a gift.
The years ticked by and the Valentine’s gifts were no more romantic than the cookbook. The fifth year Harvey was positive that he had the perfect gift for Tiffany. He put a lot of thought into what would show his wife that he truly cared for her. The gift? A flask with a heart on it. Why? Well, apparently, Tiffany always complained of getting cold when Harvey dragged her to his beloved Bobcat football games. This time Harvey was outraged that Tiffany did not appreciate his thoughtfulness. Tiff, on the other hand, used the flask as a football and make a field goal upside Harvey’s head. After his release from the hospital, Harvey realized the error of his ways.
Year eight rolled around and Harvey presented her with a sexy negligee and edible underwear. Oh, the poor dear, he did not give Tiffany enough credit to realize that the gift truly was for his benefit―not hers. Not to mention how uncomfortable and sticky the undergarment was sure to be! According to Tiffany, the negligee still remains in the box under the bed. I will leave it to your imagination what she did with the edibles! Another strikeout for ole’ Harvey.
Last year’s gift doesn’t even bear mentioning… so I won’t. This year, with the encouragement of her nearest and dearest friends, Tiffany is going to take matters into her own hands. In my opinion, it should have happened years ago. She is “borrowing” Harvey’s credit card to purchase gifts for herself. Harvey has often stated that nothing is too good for his beloved wife. Well, this year Tiff is putting his wallet where his mouth is! Let’s just say he might be in for a little surprise when he receives his credit card bill! She is planning a day at the spa followed by a catered Valentine’s dinner. That’s not all, my darlings! There will be flowers, chocolates and bubbly… and a diamond tennis bracelet wrapped and placed on the table by her plate! Yes, this promises to be the most romantic year for Tiffany yet!
As for Harvey, well Tiffany has plans for him too! This is a pretty nutty gift… and that is why we helped her pick it. We all put a lot of thought into just the right gift. After much research, we discovered “The Frog to a Prince”. The gift is a green frog in a four-inch plastic cylinder. When you fill it with water, the frog begins to disappear before your very eyes. When he is totally gone, a tiny prince stands in his place. That’s not all. The magic is only half done; when the cylinder is refilled with clear water, another transformation takes place. Over the next couple of days, the tiny prince will grow into a large prince.
You are probably wondering what makes this such a perfect gift for Harvey. Well, hang on to you hats; I am about to tell you. It is like a warning shot over his bald little head. The warning: Tiffany has the right to find her prince and be whisked away to happiness. He can either transform into the prince Tiff needs him to be, or she will start looking at “frogs” until she finds her perfect prince! After all, my dears, don’t they all start out as frogs until a good woman gently molds them into a prince? (In reality, the gentle part is completely optional.)
Normally, darlings, I am not one to gossip―and surely not in print. These things have a way of coming back to bite you. In my defense, I wouldn’t say this is necessarily gossip. Actually, I would consider it a community service. After all, who is going to steer these poor delusional men in the right gift-giving direction if not little ole’ me?
Jewels is from Manhattan... Manhattan, Montana, that is. She is a self-proclaimed expert on fashion, manners, jewelry, and just about anything else. She shares her straightforward, honest opinion on topics that are important to an eastern socialite. Be prepared to chuckle!